emja69 Blog

What a totally boring and miserable day. I've been so bored. Unfortunately that makes me think about my pain, then I get miserable and then I can't be bothered to do anything apart from eat then I'm miserable and a viscious circle begins.

Plus builders turned of electricity so had no tv.

My friend came over and we had a good chat but even that wasn't as good as it normally is.

B came home, grumpy and in a mood, no changes there then and we had to tidy the house.

I've got a busy weekend but I'm soooooo tired I'm not sure I'll have the energy.

I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself, just wish I could everyday, but I suppose once or twice a week is better than a month ago.
Emja xxx

Well today has been enjoyable. I wasn't sure if it was going to be or not as I had soooo much trouble waking up then the same problem trying to stay awake. My mum decided to cheer me up with a trip to Bluewater and lunch in waitrose.

The place we wanted to eat in was full so we sat at the bakery and had a lovely coffee and cake. We were just on our way out when we were offered to try some expensive chocolate which was delicious I might add. The assisstant told us that Willie Harcourt-Cooze was coming in for book signing in about 5mins re his book Willie's chocolate factory cookbook.

We are very friendly me and my mum and tend to involve everyone in our conversation, ok we are also a bit loud. Anyway a man was standing next to us and we started discussing food and chocolate and before long we had drawn a crowd, well not all down to us lol another woman joined us and we were all getting very excited.

When Willie arrived the atmosphere was lovely, I was first in the queue, even pushing a photographer from the local news away (well he was pushing in) and my mum took pictures on her phone and the lady standing next to us had a camera so I offered to take her picture and then she took the mans and started handing me her card to contact her re this, I said the man wasn't with us.

We all found it hilarious that a 20minute meeting could forge such intense euphria and me and my mum was laughing about it all day. I know you had to be there but here we were total strangers friendship forged by chocolate and kissing each other good bye.

It did leave me feeling happy and positive and yes the pain and difficulty in moving hadn't gone away but today it just didn't matter.

Also after the disaster of yesterday and my hair I just couldn't stand it any longer and so dyed it again tonight. Luckily my hair didn't fall out and it does look much better. Not my brassy blonde I normally go for but medium blonde (nearly my natural colour). It looks better and I will be keeping it for a few weeks anyway I can always dye it back again.

So all in all a pretty good day.
Emja xxx

I read a very good positive saying today and I thought of you guys

'A friend is a presant you give yourself'

I have to thank you for caring so much and it has made me realise I'm not alone.

It can be lonely and frightening at times but the gift you have given me makes me feel like a gift from a 99p store becomes a gift from Harrods and is gold linned. Hope that makes sense or finding a pair of brand new Jimmy Choos in a charity shop, the pleasure is fantastic.

I'm not saying that you are all cheap though lol you are the dearest friends ever.

Anyway I've had a very tough day but because of you its become ok rather than awful, I saw the Dr and have to be in this full bloody plaster for another week and I can tell you its driving me mad, I am so itchy under it.

Also the builders started work on taking down our chimneys, it was booked for when I was back at work and then I broke my bloody leg, they are lovelt though so I don't mind.

Also I've had a hair disaster, my daughter chose me a darker blod but its just not me, so looks like I'll be colouring it again tomorrow, but the fact that I managed that as well as washing my hair has been a huge step.

Thanks for all the hugs and support, really I love you all xxx
Emja xxx

I don't know how but I got through today, even getting dressed and going to shops with P plus spent a lot of time on internet getting xmas and birthday presants.

Thank you to all my blog friends you have been uber supportive and I am listening to your advise, all I need now is to find some oomph to do something about it.

Love you all loads.
Emja xx

I really tried to be positive, to find something positive, to read something positive, to find the true me.

I can't do it. Sorry. I'm not strong enough anymore to fight the misery I feel deep inside.

I know by being who I am I am bringing down all those around me.

B says I'm not depressed just feeling sorry for myself, that must be true, I am a baby at the moment. I'm useless.

Why so low, I've had a bad few days and things have just got worse and worse until the point I am at now.

I feel my only friends are you guys but I know you all have your own lives and problems.

How do you manage to see the good things, find happiness from within, any tips let me know, only 7 weeks to another year and decisions have to be made.

Emja xx

This is soooo true.

'Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind'

Emja xxx

As promised I aim to think something positive, my thought for tonight is:

'Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face'

I've had an interesting and exhausting day.

My mum took me into work, it took me a full hour to get myself ready, hair, make up, smart attire etc so that they would all believe that everything was fine.

My trainer seemed very stressed and now I'm worried about him but my assisstant feels its not to do with the pressure but with personal reasons. I'm worried that I have caused these stresses on his personal life because I'm not there to do my job and he is taking on too much. This is stressing him out which is affecting his relatioship.

I feel very guilty but at the same time I know its best that I am not there because the pain is so bad, it feels like an electric jolt up my leg with every footstep.

I had to go to Bluewater to get money out for my middle son's birthday tomorrow, but it is very big and it was just too much, even for me who loves shopping.

I've tried to rest tonight but I am thinking too much and thats not good.

Well as have busy day ahead I'm off now.

Emja xxx

'If we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learnt a little and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die, so, let us all be thankful'

'What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matter compared to what lies within us'

To all my friends
I am so sorry if you've been worried about me.

I'm going through a tough time at the moment.

The pain has worsened and I feel threatened by my boss who has started making comments about me and wondering if I can do my job etc and so I've been worrying about that as well as the pain.

I spent a lot of the weekend breaking down in tears or swearing at my pain. I haven't been the best of company.

I have had some lovely messages and I am so grateful that you have been caring so much about me and so I'm sorry to have worried you.

I have been very selfish about going on so I am going to try and have at least one thing positive to do and say.

You have been wonderful, thank you, all of you
lots of big kisses
Emja xxx